Letters Never Received
by xMissCatastrophe
Summary: Just a couple short letters that Hazel writes to Augustus after his death.
1. Chapter 1

My Dearest Augustus Waters,

Today, you would have been eighteen years old. You would have been legally able to purchase a pack of cigarettes and legally not smoke would have had a party, with a big blue cake make terribly by yours truly. Isaac and I with our parents would have been there. How much do you want to bet that your parents would have presented you with new Encouragements?

Gosh, I can't believe I miss you this much. I miss your smoky, sexy voice, your waterblue eyes, your long, lean muscles pressing against me as we'd cuddle. I miss your touch, your distinct scent, your mahogany hair, your soft kisses, the way you said my name: _"Hazel Grace."_

I was with your parents at your house today, all day. So were Isaac and his mom. My parents stayed for a few minutes, but left due to the overwhelming awkwardness as we all stood there, looking at each other, knowing that we were gathered together for someone that was dead. But I didn't care. You're still alive, Augustus. You're still alive, because you're with me every day.

Do you know those times when you want something very horribly, but you know that you'll never have it, so you kind of give up on it after a while? Well, I had that issue when I was fifteen. I was still convinced that I was going to die. And I wanted a fancy-schmancy professional photography camera. A Nikon DSLR 3100, to be exact. (Isn't it pathetic that I can remember the name of the stupid thing? It's as if I were emotionally attached to it.) The thing is, I figured, if I was about to die, and since death is so heinous, I'd take pictures of all the beautiful things I came across (what's another thing to lug around?). I wanted this thing so desperately, Augustus. But I eventually gathered that I'd never get the stupid thing. So I gave up on wishing for it.

You'll never be my Nikon, Augustus. I'll never stop wanting you. I wish I could relive our being together every day of my life. I'll never give up on you. I was, and still am very deeply in love with you. I swear to you that I'll never forget that kiss we shared in the Anne Frank house, with all of those people crowded around us, watching us, clapping as we broke apart. I'll never forget discussing books with you, or when you urged Isaac to break the basketball trophies, or watching 2000's Natalie Portman movies with you, wrapped in your strong arms. I'll also never forget, Augustus Waters, how you told me that you were in love with me while we were on that plane to Amsterdam and my mom was asleep and we'd just watched 300 and our knees were touching. You looked so healthy, flawless then.

I wish that the first birthday of yours I had the privilege to witness involved you physically being here, being with me, unwrapping Encouragements from your parents and videogames from Isaac and books from me. You'd suffer and eat my horrible cake then tell me how horrible it was, and that you loved it. I made it blue, because of your beautiful eyes. After the gifts and cake and small talk, after everyone left, you and I would go downstairs to your mess of a bedroom and curl up in bed and listen to Hectic Glow, wrapped safely in one another's arms.

By the way, I'm "borrowing" some of your shirts. I hope you don't mind. I love you.

Happy birthday, Augustus.

Okay,

Hazel Grace


	2. Chapter 2

My Dearest Augustus Waters,

I am fully aware that you are were, are, the love of my life. I can't thank you enough for loving me and showing me that there are things other than the disgusting, ooey-gooey cheesy love and puppy love. You showed me that there is such thing as real, true love. Isaac's always talking about how he believes in true love, right? Well, you made me agree with him, Augustus Waters. You are the boy that there never was before. And I loved you unconditionally, Augustus. I still do. And I'll never stop, I promise you that.

I miss you. Constantly. And although this is years later, years after your passing, I still love you as much as I did that day in Amsterdam in the Anne Frank house. And I still miss you, more and more, as every day goes by. The numbness that consumed me months after your passing still resides inside me, eating me away little by little. It feeds just like the cancer. Which excites me, because the sooner I die, the sooner I'm with you again. I already know that there will never be and could never be anyone like you, Augustus Waters.

If you fear me forgetting about you, don't fret. I will never forget about you. How could I? I don't think anyone could ever simply forget someone quite as spontaneous as yourself, my dear. I will never forget about what we had-and still have. Although I am alive and breathing (just barely) and you are six feet under, we are still together. I can feel you with me, Augustus. I will never forget you or anything about you. Like my Natalie Portman comparison, or how 'okay' is our 'always'. No one could draw me to themselves quite as well as you drew me to you.

I remember how happy we were, sharing stars at Oranjee in Amsterdam and on the plane. Cancer perks. I know that you would want me to stay strong and functional, even though I never really was completely functional. You've been gone three years and I'm still here, feet firmly on this unforgiving earth that we call home. Which leaves you up there, in Heaven. Could you tell Van Houten's daughter up there with you that her father still loves her very much and misses her to death? (Pun not intended.) I am being happy solely for you, Augustus Waters. I will always love you.

Perhaps I should tell you this, because I know that it would make you smile were you here with me. I allow no one at all to call me Hazel Grace. Ever. Not even as a joke. Isaac tried to call me Hazel Grace last week, and do you know what I did? I almost smacked that poor blind, heartbroken kid upside the head. The thing is, Gus, that was _your _name for me. To let anyone else address me in such a way is unconventional; it doesn't sound right to my ears. Only your smoky voice is allowed to murmur the name Hazel Grace.

It is only by your unspoken yet clear wishes that I am alive and...halfly breathing today. You were the sweetest of the sweet. But, of course, you probably haven't changed, have you? You were so protective of my life that it made me want to stay here. You are the only reason, my love. I am completely aware of how upset you'd be if I were to go to such extreme measures.

Although I'll never speak to you again about oblivion (by the way, enlighten me; is oblivion quite as terrifying as you believed it to be?), or basketball and your hatred for it, although I'll never smell your soothing scent again, although I can't look into your appropriately waterblue eyes and tell you I love you and then continue on to kiss you as long as my lungs can handle, I can miss you.

I just hope that you miss me as much as I miss you.

We had a good run, Augustus. And I can't begin to thank you enough for that.

Perhaps one day, I can try.

Okay,

Hazel Grace


End file.
